Selling Out Vs. Not.

I just graduated from art college and I find myself torn between what I'm simplistically choosing to view as two discrete lifestyles.  These are those.

I've had discussions; I know I'm not alone on this.

I also know that this is an extremely streamlined view of a convoluted and multi-forked post-college flowchart.  And really, at this point it's the least of my worries.  In practical terms, my choices at this point are the Keep Trying To Get a Job As a Dishwasher Strategy vs. the Drink 40s On The Couch Strategy.  But still, there's this leftover 15-year-old shithead smoking old cigarette butts in the back of my brain, and every time I think about trying for a real career with a real salary and responsibilities, she stabs her ember into my gray matter and calls me a sellout cunt. 

With that in mind, and largely for my own edification, I'm going to delineate the pros and cons of selling out vs. not.

Life-Living Strategy #1:  The Rock and Roll

PROS: 
These people tend to be much more fun to be around.  People are more accepting, more laid-back, more DOWN.  People initially see you as a potential friend, not a potential threat.

You get to be confident in the knowledge that you, too, are DOWN, and no one, no matter what, can take downness away from you.

There's a sense of connection with the underlying drives; people aren’t denying their darker, more Dionysian impulses and trying to front like they're healthy and wholesome (which no one actually is).

You can pretty much do whatever you want, because your job tasks are immediate, not project-based - you can dip out as long as you put in two weeks' notice, and also, whatever form of employment you have – serving, bartending, retail – it's something you can find work in no matter where you go.  So you're free.  Want to leave?  You can leave.  Go with God.

The ability to be drunk on the metro at like 2PM and have it be a good joke, not a sign of illness.

Good stories.

This sense of holding up some kind of noble tradition, like you're carrying on some greater work of Ginsberg and Iggy Pop and "all the strange rock-and-rollers."  I know this sounds incredibly stupid, but I do think that there's a real sense of community among weird art-faggy musician-type fuck-ups.

Getting to feel like a badass.  Isn't that why you got into it in the first place?  Yes, it is.

Laughter.  There's way more laughter.

FUCK IT.

CONS: 
POOR.

This world is also full of insipid asses.  And the asses of the alternative world are so, so, so much more fucking irritating than the asses of the mainstream, because they have these added components of self-consciousness and self-righteousness, simultaneously.  They want to make a lot of 9/11 jokes because anything anti-America is so goddamn funny.  They want to get hammered and embarrass themselves, because they don’t know the difference between a good time and a shitshow.  They shave upside-down crosses into their hair.  They can't give you an actual considered rationale behind any of these decisions.

Also, you end up dealing with a lot of hypocrites: anarchists who collect food stamps, people who claim to hate the government while receiving government benefits, because for some unspecified reason they don't think that they should have to work.  This lifestyle is kind of a dumping-ground for a lot of lazy people who try to hide their laziness behind ill-considered ideology.

Never being taken seriously.

The ever-present possibility of waking up one day and realizing that you're 40 years old and you have no money and no future and no friends, because everyone but you has grown up and abandoned the lifestyle.  And all of a sudden you realize that you're a has-been and you can't do anything about it because you missed your window to accumulate marketable skills, and now you're just a old fart, and probably also an alcoholic.

The risk of becoming a drug addict.

Again, POOR.

Life-Living Strategy #2:  The Sell-Out

PROS:  Dollars dollars dollars!  And you can use dollars for WHATEVER YOU WANT.  You can travel all over the world.  You can pop champagne and look fly all the time.  You can give things to your friends and the people you love.  You can laugh at people.  You can have revenge simply by being successful.  "Success," as it's generally understood, is the subtlest and most effective form of revenge.

If you play it right, you can get away with pretty much anything because you look respectable.  I loved that part in season one of Mad Men where he's stoned with all the hippies and there are cops outside the apartment, and the hippies tell him "you can't go out there, the hall is full of cops," and he's like "no, YOU can't."  Because he's in nice clothes, and he knows how to act, he can just stroll right past the authorities, blazed out of his skull, and they all tip their hats to him.  This is a wonderful kind of joke to be able to play.

You have the knowledge that if you suddenly disappeared off the face of the planet, someone other than a personal friend or lover would be affected.  You are a necessary component of something.  You make a real contribution to the world; you are NEEDED.  You are an integral part of something larger than yourself.

The soap never has pubes stuck to it.  There is always toilet paper.

CONS: 
There are probably just as many assholes in this world as there are in the service industry.  However, they're much subtler and more insidious.  They call you a dumb cunt with their minds instead of their mouths, so you don’t find out about it until months and months later.

Once you get a taste of money, will you really remain pure in your intentions with it?  If you claim that you don’t care about petty status symbols, that you think ostentation is silly, that you only want money so you can travel the world and contribute to causes, will you REALLY hold to that once the envy of others is on your tongue? Can you really hold on to your soul when no one around you sees any value in it, but they DO slather compliments on your new shoes and house?  Are you sure you won’t become materialistic and cynical?

Cynicism in general, actually.  I'm pretty sure that the white-collar world is rife with soulless, Machiavellian climbers, though I can't say for sure.  I make a personal point of not allowing myself to become bitter; if I live in a world with this much strategy, can I really expect myself to retain the belief in goodness and love that I've carefully protected from so much already?

The knowledge that you are a sell-out, and the scorn of those you used to align yourself with.

"Moderation."  Having a glass of wine with dinner, but refraining from binges.  Never allowing yourself to get out of control.  Remaining in full possession of your faculties.  Keeping your infatuations in perspective; never allowing yourself to go ga-ga over some boy without knowing with certainty that he's willing to commit to you.  ISN'T THAT THE MOST ANNOYING FUCKING THING?  I think moderation is just the most annoying fucking thing.

Being surrounded by squares all the time.  Boring, boring squares.